Déjà Fait
by NotAContrivance
Summary: It's stupid to fall for your best friend. Especially when it's happened to you once before. You ought to know better the second time around. But you don't... Sort of NinaAndy, sort of NinaCarl.


Okay, there is something to be said for the lack of Andy/Nina fics around here. Which is rather funny, especially when you consider how prominently it was featured in the past two episodes. There aren't really any A/N fics out there. Period. And if there is, they're used as a backdrop to something with an A/E plot, which is rather kind of sad, because how can they be married if you don't know how they got together?

Anyways, it never actually says how old Nina is in the show, or how long she and Carl were married, but Sam's like 7-8ish or something, right? And Nina hasn't been on a date since high school, so I think she's got to be in her early thirties, right?

This is based off of last week's ep, the court one, the one where she decides to divorce him, and then The Birds and the Batteries one... I don't own Everwood or any of it's various characters mentioned in here except for Sam (not Nina's son) and Jimmy/James. And, actually, their names aren't even that original. This is an A/N one-parter, and well, that's about it.

Hope you like it.

I never thought that I was going to wind up in a situation like this. I mean, I thought that after Carl left, no one else would ever want me. Carl was all I had ever really known, and if he didn't want me...

I mean, look at me. What is so repellent about me? He isn't even attracted to my gender anymore. Getting divorced was the right thing to do, and I know that, because then we'd both still be living a lie, but at least then I'd get some security. I really miss that security.

I'm just so stupid, you know? I mean, to fall for my best...

No, I can't. If I don't say it, then it's not true. If I don't think it, I can't believe it.

Oh, what am I thinking? That's a load of crap. I'm still in love with him, even if I don't say it out loud, even if I don't think about it, even if I don't do anything about it. Even if I refuse to admit it. The feelings are still there, no matter how much I hide them.

Now that I think about it, I'm pretty obvious. I mean, even before I knew...

I'd always felt something a little strange when I was around him. And he could hurt me better than anyone, well, except maybe Carl.

Like that stupid fight we had a week or two ago about the vibrator. I just remember that when he said that he didn't want to think of me as a woman, to ever think of me like that, it felt like I'd been punched in the gut. And I guess I just brushed it off as thinking, well, if Andy thinks I'm undateable, ugly, and old, then so does everyone else.

Jake was here then. But I guess I just thought that Jake was blowing off some hot air. I never really took him seriously until he asked me out. I knew that I couldn't go out with him. I mean, he's what, twelve? And somehow, I knew, even then, that I wasn't really into him, and I couldn't be.

It's funny that Andy's the reason I even went out with Jake in the first place. Then I just wanted to prove him wrong, and I guess, feel like someone actually wanted me for once. And then Andy starts talking about how he's not my type. As if he knows my type. He sounded kind of jealous, but that was too good to be true.

I really hate that about Andy. One minute he'll be sounding kind of jealous, saying or doing something sweet, and I'll get one of those stupid moments where it actually feels like he could love me. But he doesn't. He's too hung up on Julia still. Linda too.

I think a part of me subconsciously wanted to make Andy jealous. The same part of me that didn't like Linda. And so I was stupid, or maybe I was smart, and said yes to Jake.

Andy was so wrong about him though. Jake is my type. The rugged, young, athletic, Tom Cruise type. Jake has dark hair, dark eyes, great looking, he's charming, and that smile... That's why Jake's such a good doctor with the people and why Carl even became a salesman in the first place. That's my type. The friendly, popular, cute jock.

Which is confusing because he liked me, even though I didn't like him. It was really nice to get dolled up all fancy again. I haven't dressed up like that for years. And so I was wearing the pretty blue dress and I'd just stepped out of the bathroom, when the doorbell rang and Andy walked up. And if only for a moment, well, the way he stared at me...

It reminded me of my wedding day. Carl's breath caught in his throat, and his eyes were a little teary, and he smiled, took my hand softly and told me that I looked beautiful. I wonder if that was all a lie too.

But Andy did none of that. He stared at me for a moment or two longer than necessary, and then said that I looked great. But then he got started on the topic of me shedding.

Sometimes I wonder how anyone could ever be in love with him.

And then, sometimes, I know.

I was stupid enough to think that his closeness was because he thought I was pretty. Come on, how dumb am I? But no, of course, it's to get rid of my spare hairs. The closeness made me sick. Sick with anger and frustration, though I didn't know any of this at the time.

I had a pretty good date with Jake, really. I would've kissed him at the end, and I almost did. But he asked me about my dream man. And, unlike Jake, my date is actually taller than me when I'm wearing high-heels. That's mean though. Jake was good to me.

I remember that I just started talking about all of these things that I wanted, things that I needed someone to be. Someone who was supportive, sweet, thoughtful, funny, good-looking, helpful, and, well, so much more. And right after I'd finished my little essay, it hit me that I had just described Andy, my best friend in the whole world.

Jake tried to kiss me, but I couldn't lead him on. So I stopped him from trying and explained it to him. But I lied. Oh, how I lied.

I think he knows. He's seen me staring at Andy for sure. And I don't know, when all of us are at the Diner, it's kind of awkward. Kind of like it was when Carl came back the first time. It was so odd. But Everwood is hardly ever normal, right?

I promised Jake I would tell him. Well, not really, but he thought that this guy was someone from high school who was halfway across the country now.

Even if I wasn't in love with Andy... Wow, I actually said it out loud. Well, thought, anyways... Even if I wasn't in love with him, I still couldn't have dated Jake. Jake reminds me too much of Carl anyways.

I remember when I decided to get the divorce. He was so supportive the entire time. That's just the way we are, really. But he did a lot of things he didn't have to do, like pay for my lawyer. I think Linda got jealous.

Andy, of course, didn't notice because he's not exactly the sharpest tack in the box. He's so mind-numbingly clueless. I don't understand how he can be so dense. I mean, how dense can a person be? Sure, he's a guy, but still, even for a guy...

Okay, one of these days, Andy and I have got to straighten out our friendship. It's very confusing to the both of us, I think. At least, it is to me, anyways. I mean, sometimes it's like we're just clueless friends, and then there's some moments when I can tell that we're toeing the line, like when he gets jealous or helps me out more than he needs to.

I know how I feel about him. But how does he feel about me?

I don't think he loves me as anything more than a friend, but, hey, I could be wrong. I mean, I thought that Carl was cheating on me with a woman, and look how that turned out.

I tried to tell him today. How I felt, that is. It didn't go really well. I think he was thinking about Julia again. I hate being stuck in this position.

I feel sixteen again. Except when I was sixteen, there was Sam, James, and Carl. It was like something out of a Brat Pack movie. No, seriously, I was like the Molly Ringwald of my high school.

Sam was my best friend back in those days, and he had been ever since I could remember. And James, James was this rebel who had a motorcycle and stole. But Carl, I chose him. Carl the tough guy, the jock, the popular guy. Ironic isn't it?

What can I say? I was young, stupid, and in love. I didn't know any better. I hated having to choose, but they made me. It was one or none. And so I sat and I thought about it for all of my college years. And as I graduated from the culinary school, it hit me, and I knew whom to marry. I chose wrong.

James, well, he wasn't too stable, but at least he had a job. He got a good one. Went off and made a lot of money. But, then again, I never saw him or Sam again, really.

I'll never forget any of them though. I'll always remember riding James' motorcycle, pressed against him, a cigarette in my fingers. I'll always remember just hanging out with Sam, doing our homework on my porch, and getting take-out and watching terrible movies every Sunday night together. And I can't forget making out with Carl under the bleachers or just sitting with him, our hands interlocked, at The Kissing Bridge.

Sam, oh, Sam. I miss him a lot. It took me so long to realize how he felt about me. It must've killed him to see me with Carl. It just killed him. He left one night, and there was this note to me. It didn't say much, but I'll never forget the words it did say.

_Dear Maggie, _

_Love is killing me. Do you know the feeling, Nina? I hope you don't. You shouldn't have to experience this type of pain. But I am, and it's killing me and I just can't stand it anymore. I have to get out of Everwood, maybe even for forever. _

– _Forever, Sam_

That letter will haunt me forever. I just remember staring at it. Staring and staring. It was something I did not want to see, or to accept. But Sam was gone, and I could do nothing else.

And then Carl got his job and he started disappearing more often and returning less frequently. I got a job at Momma Joy's that year because I only saw the money when he brought it home, and even then, it was still not enough.

It was going to be our first Christmas together, and I was so excited that I decorated the whole house and made dozens of cookies and bought him nice presents so the holidays would be perfect. He called me on the day before Christmas Eve, telling me that he couldn't get home for a while, as a blizzard had blocked the road and trapped him in some town in Utah.

I was miserable. I was so lonely that I called everyone I could think of, but no one would keep me company. And then I found Sam's number.

Sam was so glad to hear from me. Even though he lived so far away, in, oh, I can't remember... Was it Kansas or Connecticut? Anyways, he raced over just to see me. I was so happy.

All that time alone together had wreaked havoc on both of our heads, and our senses were a little addled. I hadn't had a man in my home for months. One night, we were drinking, and he just accidentally brushed his hand against my thigh, his head slightly near to mine. It was impossible to tell who moved first, but suddenly, we were on top of each other, kissing. We both lost control that night.

And I woke up that Christmas morning, feeling warm, happy, safe, and LOVED for once. But then I realized the sin I had committed, and the guilt hit me hard in the chest. So I snuck out of the bed, mortified, and raced downstairs to crash on the couch. He left shortly after.

Of course, he didn't leave without drama.

"I love you, Maggie," He whispered to me softly, placing a soft kiss on my lips and leaving that snowy night after we had exchanged gifts.

Sam had always been the only person who could call me that. My real name was Margaret. Carl thought that, "Nina sounded hotter". So I went by Nina instead. I changed so much for Carl. Too much.

Weeks later, Carl came home, the roads finally clear. But I had a little problem. And it was baby Sam.

But Sam was born a few weeks late, so Carl never suspected a thing. I almost wish he had.

I tried to find Sam after I had the baby, but he was nowhere to be found, and only after I had looked at the newspaper did I discover that he was dead.

He died exactly a day before his son came into the world.

If only little Sam had been born just a little bit earlier.

I sobbed at his funeral. I'd lost a piece of myself with him, my innocence, my youth. A piece of my marriage had chipped off, never to return. A piece of my son would remain forever hidden. And to this day, no one knows about it.

Not even Andy.

I need to tell someone this. Like the psychiatrist that Andy dated. But I can't. I don't know whom to turn to.

I can't tell anyone.

I ought to tell someone everything. I want to tell Andy everything, and have him accept me and love me, but he doesn't, not in the way I want him to. He doesn't even know. When did I become Sam?

And I'm sixteen again, not thirty-two and I don't have to make choices between boys. I just want the right boy; the one I love this time, to love me back. But I'm thirty-two, not sixteen and I've been around the block one too many times now.

I've fallen too hard and too deep and now there's no way I can be saved from this love.

- Loren ;

Okay, about the Maggie thing, in case no one remembers, in the episode where she and Carl went to court, the judge lady said that her name was Margaret Nina Feeney (is that how you spell her last name?), which was really strange, but still. I don't like the ending, but that's okay...

So, review if you liked it. That's about it. Oh, sorry about the whole long author's note thing. Thanks. :)


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